CLAY

I ain't exactly sure the word for it.
I know it's somethin' that I heard a preacher say one time.
Somethin' long,
Somethin' terrible and wrong,
But rest assured, it's a hangin' crime.

J.M., SEAN, NEWTON

A hangin' crime...

MAGGIE

Then it's murder.
Is that the word, or somethin' else?
You think you'd know, since it's a hangin' crime.

CLAY

I had in mind it was somethin' bigger.

J.M.

I know most all the crimes there are, son.

OTHERS

(Mm hm.  That's true.  He does.)

J.M.

 I'm thinkin' maybe it was larceny, or mischief of that kind.

CLAY

Don't think so,
Though that term ain't one I know.

MAGGIE

I reckon we can rule out "criminal mastermind."

CLAY

Beg your pardon, miss?

MAGGIE

Ain't you never had no schoolin'?

CLAY

Well, no.  I was kept at home mostly.

MAGGIE

Hell, any addle-pated fool would know that larceny means theft.

CLAY

I never stole,
'Cause my father, rest his soul,
Was a yeoman farmer—and I the one son left.

J.M.

Well, ain't this a puzzler!
'Djever hear the like of it?
This here is quite some conundrum come our way.
You'd never guess it,
Not by the look of him,
But this boy done something so appalling he can't say...
Just what the hell was it?
We don't know.
We only know he didn't kill or steal or rob.
Think up a misdemeanor
That goes with this demeanor.
He might be the right man for the job.

NEWTON

He's got a lean and lusty look on him,

OTHERS

(Uh huh.  Sure does.  I'll say.)

NEWTON

So I suspect he went and took a pretty girl by force.

CLAY

I wasn't raised
To treat a lady in them ways
Like a common crook.

NEWTON

Then maybe a sheep or horse?

CLAY

Of course not!

SEAN

Suppose he's one of them there Latterdays...

J.M.

Who?

MAGGIE

Mormons.

J.M.

 Oh.

SEAN

The ones that got their Sabbath Saturdays.

MAGGIE

No, that's the Jews, you dunce.

SEAN

Suppose his crime's
He's been married seven times?

NEWTON

Well, was it that-a-ways?

CLAY

I was never married once.

J.M.

Well, ain't this a riddle!

SEAN

'Djever hear the like of it?

NEWTON

Don't reckon.

J.M, SEAN, NEWTON

It's clear this here's no humdrum slob.
He's done some sorts of mayhem
Where's we can't even say 'em.
We'll find the right job for the man—we can!
Yes, we're the right men for the job.

NEWTON

Did you maybe go settin' fire
To a chapel spire
Just to have some fun?

CLAY

Not one.

SEAN

Did you ever make phony bills
For to fill your tills?

J.M.

Did you ever make cents?

CLAY

None.

NEWTON

Was you fightin' on a foreign coast
And you fled your post?

CLAY

I never held a gun.

J.M.

Did you spy?

NEWTON

 Did you try?

SEAN

Did you lie under oath?

J.M.

Did you kiss
With your sis?

NEWTON

Or your Mama?

SEAN

Or both?

J.M., SEAN, NEWTON

Won't you tell?
Won't you tell?
'Cause we're eager as hell to know...

MAGGIE

Hey!
It's clear enough the boy's done nothin',
Except he came in here and lied.
It ain't butchery or larceny,
Or sodomy or arson neither.
He ain't a forger, ain't a traitor,
Ain't a filthy fornicator.
No defector, no deserter,
Just a—

CLAY

Don't hit me!  It's for doin' that that I kilt my Pappy.

MAGGIE

Sweetheart—that's called murder.

J.M.

That's called patricide.

CLAY

That's the word!

SEAN

Kilt your Pap, is it?

CLAY

I did, God help me.

J.M.

Shot him down?

CLAY

I told you, I never used a gun.  I got no license.

NEWTON

A knife, maybe?

CLAY

What do you take me for, a butcher?

J.M.

Well how'd you do it, then?

CLAY

 With a shovel.

SEAN

A shovel?!

J.M.

Whoa!  That must have been somethin'!

NEWTON

Tell us how it was!

CLAY

I took my shovel.
I hit his head.
Without much trouble,
He fell down dead.

NEWTON

Well that's a short story!  But a fearsome one...

SEAN

He done it.  He really done it!

NEWTON

A genuine murderer!  What you thinkin' there, J.M.?

J.M.

Well...
Ain't this a godsend!
Can you believe the luck of it?
Consider how our Lord works in ways unknown.
We lost our hired man.
She felt the lack of it.
My girl was frightened spendin' nights here all alone.
What better guardian
Could there be?
A fearsome fighter fit to fend off any mob.
This here psychotic stranger
Will keep her safe from danger!
I found the right man for the job—yes, sir!

SEAN, NEWTON

Who better to protect your daughter
Than a boy neck deep in slaughter?

MAGGIE

Won't fear no drunk distiller
Kept company by a killer.

J.M.

And no more moonshine tariffs:
He'll scare off all the sheriffs!
I found the right man for the job.

J.M., SEAN, NEWTON, MAGGIE

Yes, sir!
We found the right man for the job.


© 2009 by Peter Mills