J.M.

I can't believe my only daugter's
Gone and got herself a beau
That we all know to be a scoundrel.
What really gets me is
That deed of his is just the kind of crime
That I'm inclined to say don't bode well.
Suppose I have a little run-in with my son-in-law?
I'd sure be gunnin' to be done in like his poor old Paw.

Inlaws and outlaws!
Them two don't mix.
Ain't that enough cause
For someone sayin' nix?
I'm not without flaws.
I've sold my share of shine.
But I'll never have outlaws
For inlaws of mine.

Why do I got to be the one to say it, Luther?  Ain't you gonna stand up to this rascal?  He's tryin' to steal your girl!

LUTHER

Oh, darlin' Margaret,
Please don't forget the promises you made,
And how I paid for this here shindig.
Don't you recall at all
The tender vow you spoke,
And how I gave your Paw ten chickens
And my best big?
I know you might want me to fight for you and win,
But the Gospels tell us bein' jealous is a sin.

Inlaws and outlaws!
You oughta know
I gave him my best clothes,
And he swore he would go.
But he's standin' right there
Still wearin' my best suit.
So he's an outlaw
And a welcher to boot.

J.M.

Go on, Luther.  Get him!

LUTHER

Oh, no.  I'd sooner become a lonesome old bachelor afore I'd go tanglin' with the likes of him!

J.M.

Take the shovel over there!  Take it afore he grabs it!

LUTHER

Why don't you go grab it yourself, J.M.?

J.M.

Me?  No, no, I ain't gonna risk my neck for ten chickens!

LUTHER

How about I get you a new sty for all them pigs I been givin' you?

J.M.

You only give me one pig.

LUTHER

It was a very significantly large pig—

J.M.

It's still just one pig.  It ain't pigs.  It's one pig you give me.

MAGGIE

I don't give two fat figs
How many pigs you gave
'Cause it's brave deeds
A lady needs an awful lot more.
Who's gonna save me when
There's savage men like Clay
Who any day could come a-bustin' through the front door.

J.M.

Perhaps I oughta
Let my daughter judge a feller's worth.
Our family feud
Could use a brood like she'd be givin' birth to.
Hell, them grandchirren
Won't be fearin' any man on earth!

J.M., LUTHER, MAGGIE

Inlaws and outlaws!

J.M.

This deal is done.

LUTHER

You've lost my milk cow!

MAGGIE

But gained a better son.

J.M., MAGGIE

Forget them old saws
That tell you crime don't pay.

J.M., LUTHER, MAGGIE

'Cause we're (you're) gonna have outlaws for inlaws,
Inlaws who're outlaws,
Outlaws for inlaws today!


© 2009 by Peter Mills