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*
THE RIGHT
MAN FOR THE JOB *
CLAY
I ain't exactly sure the word for it.
I know it's somethin' that I heard a preacher say one time.
Somethin' long,
Somethin' terrible and wrong,
But rest assured, it's a hangin' crime.
J.M.,
SEAN, NEWTON
A hangin' crime...
MAGGIE
Then it's murder.
Is that the word, or somethin' else?
You think you'd know, since it's a hangin' crime.
CLAY
I had in mind it was
somethin' bigger.
J.M.
I know most all the
crimes there are, son.
OTHERS
(Mm hm.
That's true. He does.)
J.M.
I'm
thinkin' maybe it was larceny, or mischief of that kind.
CLAY
Don't think so,
Though that term ain't one I know.
MAGGIE
I reckon we can rule
out "criminal mastermind."
CLAY
Beg your pardon, miss?
MAGGIE
Ain't you never had
no schoolin'?
CLAY
Well, no.
I was kept at home mostly.
MAGGIE
Hell, any
addle-pated fool would know that larceny means theft.
CLAY
I never stole,
'Cause my father, rest his soul,
Was a yeoman farmer—and I the one son left.
J.M.
Well, ain't this a
puzzler!
'Djever hear the like of it?
This here is quite some conundrum come our way.
You'd never guess it,
Not by the look of him,
But this boy done something so appalling he can't say...
Just what the hell was it?
We don't know.
We only know he didn't kill or steal or rob.
Think up a misdemeanor
That goes with this demeanor.
He might be the right man for the job.
NEWTON
He's got a lean and
lusty look on him,
OTHERS
(Uh huh.
Sure does. I'll say.)
NEWTON
So I suspect he went
and took a pretty girl by force.
CLAY
I wasn't raised
To treat a lady in them ways
Like a common crook.
NEWTON
Then maybe a sheep
or horse?
CLAY
Of course not!
SEAN
Suppose he's one of
them there Latterdays...
J.M.
Who?
MAGGIE
Mormons.
J.M.
Oh.
SEAN
The ones that got
their Sabbath Saturdays.
MAGGIE
No, that's the Jews,
you dunce.
SEAN
Suppose his crime's
He's been married seven times?
NEWTON
Well, was it
that-a-ways?
CLAY
I was never married
once.
J.M.
Well, ain't this a
riddle!
SEAN
'Djever hear the
like of it?
NEWTON
Don't reckon.
J.M,
SEAN, NEWTON
It's clear this
here's no humdrum slob.
He's done some sorts of mayhem
Where's we can't even say 'em.
We'll find the right job for the man—we can!
Yes, we're the right men for the job.
NEWTON
Did you maybe go
settin' fire
To a chapel spire
Just to have some fun?
CLAY
Not one.
SEAN
Did you ever make phony bills
For to fill your tills?
J.M.
Did you ever make
cents?
CLAY
None.
NEWTON
Was you fightin' on
a foreign coast
And you fled your post?
CLAY
I never held a gun.
J.M.
Did you spy?
NEWTON
Did you
try?
SEAN
Did you lie under
oath?
J.M.
Did you kiss
With your sis?
NEWTON
Or your Mama?
SEAN
Or both?
J.M.,
SEAN, NEWTON
Won't you tell?
Won't you tell?
'Cause we're eager as hell to know...
MAGGIE
Hey!
It's clear enough the boy's done nothin',
Except he came in here and lied.
It ain't butchery or larceny,
Or sodomy or arson neither.
He ain't a forger, ain't a traitor,
Ain't a filthy fornicator.
No defector, no deserter,
Just a—
CLAY
Don't hit me!
It's for doin' that that I kilt my Pappy.
MAGGIE
Sweetheart—that's
called murder.
J.M.
That's called
patricide.
CLAY
That's the word!
SEAN
Kilt your Pap, is it?
CLAY
I did, God help me.
J.M.
Shot him down?
CLAY
I told you, I never
used a gun. I got no license.
NEWTON
A knife, maybe?
CLAY
What do you take me
for, a butcher?
J.M.
Well how'd you do
it, then?
CLAY
With a
shovel.
SEAN
A shovel?!
J.M.
Whoa! That
must have been somethin'!
NEWTON
Tell us how it was!
CLAY
I took my shovel.
I hit his head.
Without much trouble,
He fell down dead.
NEWTON
Well that's a short
story! But a fearsome one...
SEAN
He done it.
He really done it!
NEWTON
A genuine murderer!
What you thinkin' there, J.M.?
J.M.
Well...
Ain't this a godsend!
Can you believe the luck of it?
Consider how our Lord works in ways unknown.
We lost our hired man.
She felt the lack of it.
My girl was frightened spendin' nights here all alone.
What better guardian
Could there be?
A fearsome fighter fit to fend off any mob.
This here psychotic stranger
Will keep her safe from danger!
I found the right man for the job—yes, sir!
SEAN,
NEWTON
Who better to
protect your daughter
Than a boy neck deep in slaughter?
MAGGIE
Won't fear no drunk
distiller
Kept company by a killer.
J.M.
And no more
moonshine tariffs:
He'll scare off all the sheriffs!
I found the right man for the job.
J.M.,
SEAN, NEWTON, MAGGIE
Yes, sir!
We found the right man for the job.
©
2009 by Peter Mills